3 years ago I was just coming into my 30’s.  I had just left my successful career of almost 10 years, after being diagnosed with a chronic illness: fibromyalgia

I had questioned my whole life: 

“Will I be a mom one day?”

“Do I want to bring a child into the world?”

I had a deep desire to be a mother, but I had felt unstable in relationship after relationship. I felt unworthy. I felt undeserving.

So, I focused on my career, until I was experiencing symptoms that forced me to stop in my tracks. I was unexpectedly dealing with severe pain, migraines, fatigue.. extreme neurological symptoms, that were absolutely terrifying. I couldn’t even type on my computer anymore. 

During this difficult time, I was with my now husband for 2 years questioning “Does he want to be with such an ill person?” “Will we ever get the chance to live a ‘normal’ life?”

Then.. the unexpected happened.

I found out I was pregnant!

I found out I was pregnant, and my whole world changed.

The grief from letting go of my career in finance all seemed to have a purpose:

To become a mom.

Seeing that tiny baby on the ultrasound screen totally changed my life. Yet it left me to work on coming off all the medication I was on to manage my illness.

And I did it. "Anything for this baby" I told myself.

Things were going great for quite a few weeks. It was an adjustment, but I was so excited to start this new chapter. I even bought a few things to celebrate the new baby.

Until my symptoms lessened, I started spotting. I knew something was wrong, but nobody was taking me seriously. I had to wait weeks to see a doctor. And when I finally did, my biggest fear was confirmed. 

There was no longer a heartbeat.

I still remember the shock and pain. The abrupt nature of the way the nurse treated me and quickly ran out of the room. My husband and I were shocked.

All I could think was "my body failed me" "it's all my fault"

But little did I know, this would ignite a whole new journey of awakening.

After finding out I lost the baby. I was devastated. 

The worst part about it all, the baby didn't want to leave my body. It took many days to finally birth my hopes and dreams.

It was what felt like an eternity. I spend those days mourning and grieving for the life I had planned. All the love I had to give to that beautiful baby.. the loss of hope and starting a family.

Then I was faced with a choice.

"How will I take care of my body?" "How will I move forward and pick up these pieces to keep living my life in honor of this loss?"

I knew I couldn't continue to manage my illness with these medications that were only addressing the symptoms. They weren't getting to the root of the issue.

It was then, I was led to Functional Medicine, an Aryuvedic Doctor, and.. spiritual healing.

I knew my journey forward would be difficult, but I didn't let it stop me.

I tried so many things. I learned about the importance of stress management, nervous system dis regulation, detoxing, feeding my body the nutrients it really needed.

I dove in head first. Thirsty for any knowledge I could drink up and take in.

My husband and I went on to get married and have a beautiful wedding. We started trying again to grow our family. Yet..

Month after month, I wasn't getting pregnant. 

It was defeat. It was anxiety. It was despair. 

This is when SPIRIT started to speak to me.

In my lowest point in life. There was a quiet, gentle presence that started to surround me. I started to feel them. I started to hear them.

I didn't know what was happening, or what to expect in the next few months that would rattle me to the core.

Spirit started to speak to me, but I didn’t recognize it.

Our guides, our angels, passed loved ones.. communicate in such a way that, when we’re experiencing difficulties in life, we might miss the call.

They send us signs, symbols, small messages of comfort.

I started to see rainbows when I would least expect them. They seemed to ignite my hope of conceiving my rainbow baby.

I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening, what was surrounding me. But, just when I least expected it..

2 pink lines to confirm I was indeed going to get another chance at being a mom again.

Wow! I still remember that feeling. That excitement. The lost hope, reignited.

But then…

The fear came back again.  I started to worry, stress.. consider all the potential problems that could happen.

Every moment I was consumed with worry, anxiety. “Will something happen to this baby too?” “Will my body fail me again?”

This is when things started to shift for me.

I could feel the connection between the physical and the spiritual. I started to open my awareness to the larger consciousness.

I went on to have a pretty traumatic birth experience that threw me into what I would call..

A dark night of the soul.

It was then that I started to confront the reality of how finite we are as human beings.

I started to fear death. Fear leaving my beautiful new baby girl.

This is when my true awakening started. I realized it wasn’t just about focusing on the physical treatments. It was about unprocessed emotions, opening up to the higher guidance I was feeling surround me.

I found Reiki. I visited an evidential medium.

This changed everything for me. 

I was able to get direct evidence that my passed loved ones personalities still lived on. They were still guiding me. They were still a part of my life.

And this is when it clicked.. this is where my path was leading the whole time.

I just never knew it.

Once I had direct contact with spirit, it all made sense to me.

All the heartache, all the struggle, all the grief, was leading back home. Back to myself.

I had become so conditioned to seeking external experiences to fulfill myself. Seeking the next thing to make me happy in a small, fleeting moment.

But spirit was showing me that there is immense power, just by simply being in touch with myself. Processing my experiences, emotions.. being present with what my body, my intuition, and what it is telling me.

I went on to study Reiki.

My hunger for learning was so deep, that wasn’t enough.

I learned about trauma work, the ego, shadow work, the healing power of nature..

Leading me to become a certified spiritual life coach, intuitive energy healer, and hypnotherapist.

And as I started practicing these modalities, I received messages from my clients passed loved ones. 

I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew my path had an even deeper meaning.

Balancing this awakening along with motherhood was.. intense to say the least.

But just when I felt too overwhelmed, I started to receive communication from the baby I had lost. Promising they’d come back to me. This journey wasn’t all for nothing.

This all served a purpose leading me to my highest path.

And it all made sense.

I had spent so many years trying to “succeed” according to what society told me success was. I wasn’t happy, I couldn’t be or express myself, I had many failed relationships and traumatic experiences in life.

But now.. I could confront these experiences and turn them into wisdom to help others. 

Not only that, I could deliver messages to those looking for comfort from their loved ones.

I couldn't ignore the messages spirit was sending me any longer. Although I wrestled with this identity of being a "medium".

"Surely I'm making this up." I can't REALLY communicate with the other side."

These are all things I told myself as I was developing, only a few short months ago.

But the readings and communications always landed. There was no mistaking the truth in what I was experiencing.

And as I continued, my journey of healing progressed exponentially. I now understood how this gift could help others, in such a deep way.

But this also came along with fear. “Will people understand my journey?” “Will I be accepted?”

Here’s what I know in my heart, after wrestling with those thoughts.

I was led on this path unintentionally. I want looking for this, and it found me.

And as soon as it found me, my anxiety calmed. My illness subsided. I found purpose, like I’ve never experienced in life.

So, here I am. Following my heart and the path that’s led me here. 

As a stay at home mom, I spend all my feee time developing, studying and practicing this skill, to be and provide my best self to the world.

I’m so thankful for this journey. I never thought I’d say that after experiencing these difficult few years.

But I truly believe our most challenging going moments birth an even stronger version of ourselves. If we allow our self to feel the emotions, transmute and evolve.

So, thank you for listening to my story. For supporting and growing along with me.

This is my story, my truth.. my path. It hasn’t always been easy, but I’m thankful for the journey.

And I’m thankful for every single person that has been along for the ride with me